


Solace

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-17
Updated: 2007-07-29
Packaged: 2019-01-19 15:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12413121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Lily Evans remained shadowed and distant from the world she loved so dearly. Control was Michael's weakness; temptation hers. Yet, when James Potter enters her life, without so much as a warning or brief hesitation, Lily finds truth. For James Potter refused to give up on her.





	1. One To Appease

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

  
**Solace  
**

Chapter One--One To Appease 

Sixteen years old and full of life. Charming, cheeky, witty, popular. Lily Evans encompassed not only one, but all. She was everything and more. She was everyone’s sidekick, everyone’s distant companion. Yet, she was alone in more ways than even she could identify.

“God, Michael, I said no.”�

And there she was, fending off a boy who had mistreated her for two years. Two long, hard years. She had been innocent when he had found her, when he had _chosen_ her. Fourteen years old, vulnerable, and allured. An older boy had taken interest in her, Lily Evans, the bashful redhead with what appeared no personality. Oh, how wrong they had all been.

His persistent hands and painful kisses were the last thing she needed. Her pride was already bruised, damaged beyond repair, but she could still attempt to maintain her dignity.

Michael Crouch, a charming, extremely good looking seventh year, merely grinned wolfishly up at his girlfriend. His clear cerulean eyes were enchanting and even after two years, the effect had not worn thin. If it were not for those devilishly innocent eyes she probably would have come to her senses a year and a half ago. Yet, there was nothing she could do. She was powerless in their presence. Those eyes.

“Honestly, Lily,”� he laughed, his voice harsh and flirtatious at the same time. He had the ability to make the cruelest words sound romantic. “It’s not as if we never have.”�

He was sober now, no longer slurring his words or stumbling foolishly. He was back in total and complete control, the way he liked it. His breath, however deceiving his voice, betrayed him. She could still smell the liquor escaping from his mouth.

“That’s not the point,”� Lily snapped, pushing him off of her and reaching for her blouse. She buttoned the front hastily. “I’m just not in the mood. Especially after what you did tonight.”�

It was Saturday, which obviously meant the two of them had attended a party. 

The staff of Hogwarts knew many things about the castle. They roamed the corridors eagerly each night, anticipating the rush of distributing a detention. They looked forward to students out of bed. It was a highlight, a prize. Catching a student out after curfew was basically a way of reestablishing the staff’s power over the students. 

What they didn’t know was that out on the Quidditch Pitch, an extremely obvious yet unlikely setting, parties were thrown each and every Friday and Saturday night. Hagrid, the groundskeeper, knew of these so-called gatherings, yet never mentioned a word to the headmaster. _He_ seemed to appreciate the frivolity of the situation.

That night, that particular Saturday night, the party had gotten out of hand. Fighting, drinking, jealousy. And of course, Michael had been the one orchestrating it all. Lily had known he was beyond drunk the moment he oh-so-charmingly puked in a nearby bush. Yet, she had put up with it, despite his extremely stubborn temper. She had rubbed his back soothingly, the scene replaying in her mind for the umpteenth time.

If it had not been for the liquor in Michael’s system and that damn James Potter, everything would have gone over just swell. The party would have eventually died out and Lily would have helped Michael up the castle steps. Yet, she needn’t have even attempted so.

XXX

The air had been fresh that night, the grounds slightly chilly. The students danced through the leaves, the colors swirling wondrously in uneven patterns. The dull music was catchy, even for someone as tone deaf as Lily. She hummed along, a half empty drink clenched in her small, pale hand. 

She knew she couldn’t drink a lot as Michael would most likely drink enough for both of them. He was being particularly cold that night, barely even looking at her. When he wasn’t drinking, he was standing sullenly behind her, his protective arm around her shoulders. She knew it was a dominance issue. 

_Whatever makes him feel better_ , she had thought to herself sarcastically.

She smirked as she saw the Marauders, four bothersome boys in her house and year, crashing in on the party, arms loaded with bottles of fire whiskey.

“Hear, hear,”� the crowd murmured, unscrewing the corks of the drinks. 

She felt someone’s stares lingering on her. It didn’t make her uneasy or uncomfortable as it should have, seeing as Michael was missing once more. He was probably glaring at her, boasting to one of his friends. 

She rubbed her bare arms, goose bumps covering her smooth skin. She looked around, hoping to catch Michael’s eye. She wanted to leave. They had been there for what felt like hours. The party was dull and boring, not something she enjoyed.

She was used to these parties though. She was dragged to them frequently, neglected and left to amuse herself. He was sociable with most, those who could tolerate him, that is. His consistent use of elaboration tended to irritate people. Lily reasoned to herself that they simply didn’t understand him the way she did.

She often thought of them as tortured lovers, two loners who were merely forced to become one. She knew it probably wasn’t true, but she enjoyed feeding herself little romantic stories, even if they contradicted reality.

Still searching for those bright aquamarine eyes that were extremely visible in the night, Lily found the culprit. Of course it was _him._ It was always _him._ He always seemed so curious, so inquisitive. He had once persisted, had once been a fool in love. Yet now, he was different. 

James Potter, the popular ringleader of the four boys referred to as the Marauders, was staring at her from across the pitch. She should have known it was him. Michael was far too blitzed to even remember where she was sitting. 

He wasn’t smirking, wasn’t laughing, wasn’t even smiling. He was simply watching her, his curious hazel eyes sizing her up and down, through and through. Even though she knew he wasn’t watching her as means of perversion, she had never felt more violated by anyone in her entire life. He was looking at her so deeply, so unusual, it scared her. 

And that was why she screamed when Michael put his hand on the small of her back. She had been so lost in thought, so deep in question, she hadn’t expected him. She hadn’t seen those magnetic eyes in the night. She had been connecting with a stranger. 

“What were you looking at?”� Michael asked, his words slurring unevenly. Lily had broken her gaze with Potter, her face physically paling. 

“Nothing,”� she lied quickly. She didn’t know _why_ she was lying, but she figured it was for the best. If she told him the truth, it was likely that things would get ugly. Michael had an awful jealous streak.

“Liar,”� he mumbled. “Full of lies, my dear Lily. Lies, lies, lies. Pure, my arse.”� 

He raised his bottle, tipping it to pour the amber liquid into his open mouth. He turned to her, grabbing her arm harshly, and began pulling her away from the party. He pulled so hard, his fingers clenching into her bare skin, sending chills through the goose bumps. 

“Who were you looking at, Lily?”� he asked her. Normally, when he was drunk, his attention span was pretty much non-existent. She was surprised he had been able to keep his thoughts focused for a change. “Fancy someone?”�

“Of course not,”� she answered hesitantly. She knew he had a control issue, always had, but she wished he would let her go. Yet, his hold on her was strong. 

“Just tell me,”� he shouted unreasonably. His dark, soft brown hair fell gracefully into his eyes as he shook his head furiously. Even through his temper, he was beautiful to her. It was mesmerizing. 

“Shut up,”� she whispered. “Do you want to get caught?”�

He swore under his breath, muttering about, “Excuses”� and turned to face her, his other hand clenching her shoulder. 

“You always do this,”� he told her, shaking her, her red curls flying askew in the air. “Always do it, Lily. Always find a way to embarass me.”�

“Let me go,”� she pleaded. “Let me go, Michael.”�

She had experienced worst, but knew that things could escalate quickly when he was drunk. His temper was at it’s lowest when he was intoxicated. Lily knew from experience; she had been on the receiving end many times.

She had closed her eyes, preparing for a blow to the face, when she felt his arms fall from her shoulders. Peering through her hands, Lily saw James Potter, a perfect stranger, throwing her boyfriend to the ground.

Michael attempted to stand up, his face contorted in anger. “Potter,”� he shouted accusingly. “You!”�

“Come on, Michael, let’s just get in the castle,”� Lily told him, hoping to distract him from James, who had turned to look at her once more.

_I wish he would stop doing that_ , she had thought.

“Are you alright?”� he asked, eyeing her bruised arms. 

“I’m fine,”� she told him sternly. “You shouldn’t have done that. I could have taken care of it.”�

“What was I supposed to do?”� James asked her, those hazel eyes almost as distracting as Michael’s. _Almost._ “Let him hit you?”�

“It’s none of your business, Potter,”� she exclaimed. “Now, please, go back to your friends, get piss drunk, and have yourself a merry time. I, however, have to take care of my boyfriend.”�

When she left, leading Michael to the castle, she couldn’t help but look back at James Potter, one boy who had actually seen her. One boy who had seen past the smile and the laughter. He had seen her fear. And he had followed.

**A/N: This story is pretty much going to be AU. I have some ideas in store for it. I have no idea at the present time of approximate length and/or the date of the next update. I do, however, hope you enjoyed it. It’s a lot different for me and I personally had some fun writing it.**


	2. One To Anticipate

 

****

Solace 

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Chapter Two--One To Anticipate

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**  
**

October 31st, the momentous occasion of Halloween, was approaching and Lily couldn’t have been more anxious. She always enjoyed the festivities that occurred around the castle on the night of All Hallow’s Eve, which allowed her to succumb back to her childish ways. She was a kid again, in every essence, during the Halloween feast. Her green eyes would eye the candy greedily, anticipating the moment the sweet sugar would touch her tongue. Despite her authority as Prefect, she enjoyed the annual prank the Marauders set forth for the holiday. Normally, fireworks were involved.  

Fireworks. Lily was always fascinated with the colors, the noise, the effect they held on people. It was as if, for one moment, everyone in the entire room forgot about their problems and allowed themselves to live in the moment. The fireworks seemed to temporarily ease all the pain, all the sadness, and allowed only joy and merriment. Lily loved fireworks. She found herself lost in the blaze, mesmerized by the dancing sparks. 

Michael constantly teased her for such petty satisfaction, but Lily refused to care. She always looked forward to the fireworks. Always.

 

XXX 

“Potter,”� Lily called, only two days before Halloween. She had been in the library studying when she heard someone leave abruptly from their seat. Seeing that unruly mess of jet black hair, she had followed James Potter out into the hallway.

He turned, those enchanting eyes gazing immediately into her own. For a moment, she was dumbfounded by the intense glare, but settled on dismissing it. 

As he faced her, his eyebrow cocked and his bag resting gently on his shoulder, she couldn’t help but notice how his lips were curled into a slight smirk, as if he’d known she’d follow.

“I just wanted to apologize for the other night,”� she said quickly, referring back to the party. “Michael was a bit drunk and well, he didn’t have much control. I understand that you were only doing what you thought right and well, I was hoping we could work past it.”�

He considered her words and retorted slowly, “Evans, when you say work past this so-called issue, what exactly lies ahead?”�

“Well, we’ve never been what you call pals,”� she said, which in turn caused him to snort. “I just thought we could maintain some sort of acquaintanceship.”�

“You mean neutral ground?”� he inquired, his hair falling restlessly into his eyes.

She nodded, tucking her hair nervously behind her ear. “Yes.”�

“Well, I suppose so,”� James reasoned. “I mean, I’ve always been sort of interested in you. As a person, I mean.”�

She knew that the two of them had moved past the ‘Evans, go out with me’ phase and had matured immensely over the summer. She only held one discrepancy.

“We need to keep this a secret,”� she informed him, her voice low and serious.

“Our acquaintanceship?”� he asked, bemused. The amusement in his smirk left her uncomfortable. 

“You know how Michael Crouch is, Potter,”� she told him stiffly. “He has a horrible jealous side to him and well, I really shouldn’t have to explain how terribly protective he can get. You’ve seen it first-hand for yourself.”�

She saw a slight change in his facial expression, as if recalling what he’d seen the previous weekend. Reluctantly, he agreed. 

Something inside of Lily that day had told her that befriending James Potter may not have been as horrible as Michael would have made it out to be. He didn’t seem romantically interested in the least, only curious. Since the party on the Quidditch field and James’ intense focus on her, she’d been extremely interested in what lied behind Potter’s public persona. 

So, the two of them walked from the castle and towards the lake, where they would surely remain unspotted. Michael was busy being tutored for Potions by the Head Girl, which allowed Lily some free time.

“Can I be honest?”� James asked, forcing his hands into his pockets casually. 

“Of course,”� she told him sincerely. “Aren’t you always?”�

“Well, under normal circumstances, yes, but there are occasional white lies. Plus, there are things we all keep inside of us that well, we just don’t mention all the time. And this happens to be one of those out-of-the-blue comments.”�

“Go on,”� Lily told him, somewhat intrigued by what he’d had to say.

“Something about you seems incredibly peculiar,”� he told her bluntly. She laughed derisively, not particularly offended in the least. He grinned lazily and elaborated. “I mean, you put on this smile around everyone, this emotionless grin. And yet, your eyes say different. Your eyes just seem trapped and afraid.”�

Lily took a sharp intake of air in, aware that the conversation had turned from playful to deep in about one sentence. Potter had said all that she felt, all that she’d been hiding from the world. He’d noticed what Michael hadn’t even second guessed. She obviously hadn’t hidden her feelings too well. She didn’t take herself for one to wear her heart on her sleeve, yet, she wondered if she’s held the wrong perception of her image all along.

“I mean, when you smile, don’t take this offensively but, it’s just not real. You don’t seem to have any reason behind it whatsoever. To you, a smile is just a gesture. It's not symbolic in the least. It's never unexpected, it never takes you by surprise. I’ve just been pondering for a couple of weeks now why anyone would pretend,”� he told her, his head bent low and his eyes focused on his footsteps.

How did one respond to such profound accusations? Even if they could be considered slightly true, Lily wasn’t sure if he was even searching for an answer.

“And what about you?”� she retorted back sharply. “You don’t do the same thing? You may throw pranks and laugh your bloody arse off all day, but you’re not fooling me, Potter. You seem just as lonely as I am.”�

He sent her a look that clearly answered his previous question; _So you are lonely._

In only one hour, James Potter had uncovered more than Michael had in two years. 

Uncomfortable with the awkward silence, Lily decided to stray onto more pleasant conversation in hopes of forgetting the painful truth that had stabbed her quickly.

“So, Halloween’s two days away. Should I be expecting the usual from the Marauders?”� she inquired coyly.

He laughed, throwing his head back in a surprisingly graceful motion. “No,”� he said shortly. “We’ve sort of grown past the pranks. I mean, they’re good fun and all, but the thrill has pretty much worn out at this point. Even Sirius has vetoed against them.”�

“Aw, so I have no annual festivities to look forward to on the Marauder’s behalf?”� she asked, mocking sadness. Yet, for some reason, it really had sort of upset her. The Marauders were growing up. They were maturing. They were moving on. It almost seemed unreal to her. The school depended on the four Gryffindor boys for mischief and fun. Everyone always seemed to live vicariously through the Marauders’ actions, Lily included. 

She knew for the first time that Halloween would no longer be the same for her. She always anticipated the pranks, the treats, the atmosphere in general. The fireworks. Yet, now, there would be no fireworks. 

The two of them walked in silence, thoughts troubling them both. She felt his eyes on her for the second time in two weeks and once more, it wasn’t unsettling. She trusted his gaze, although she barely understood it. Yet, she was beginning to realize that he was attempting to learn more about her. To learn what she couldn’t say through words.

 

XXX 

As Lily took a bite of her Chocolate Frog, she forced a smile. Michael planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek, which she chose to ignore. He had obviously spiked his own pumpkin juice and she’d have to deal with him later. He always found a way to ruin what she considered _her day._ Halloween was the only time of the year that Lily entirely gave herself into. Her birthday, Christmas, and every other holiday simply didn’t compare.

She wasn’t a materialistic person, which made her birthday’s significance even less important. Halloween, however, was a time for laughter, trickery, and triumph. Yet, this year, she couldn’t help but hold back. Her one day, her favorite day, was going to be robbed by Michael’s drunkenness. He was going to celebrate the fact that the Marauders finally seemed to give up on their worthless pranks. 

Transfixed by the noise, the joyous buzz circulating throughout the room, Lily stared blankly at the table. She only wished she could enjoy herself. Yet, once again, she was disappointed. She rubbed her sore arm bitterly, knowing the bruise was lying just beneath her sweater. 

With such a disappointing Halloween, what hope was left for the other days in the year? What sort of point was she supposed to be receiving? 

“Ah, blast, those bleeding fireworks,”� she heard Michael grumble as he took a swig from his pumpkin juice. 

Lily’s eyes immediately averted to the center of the Great Hall where, sure enough, emerald green fireworks were shimmering brightly. For once, a smile, a genuine smile, appeared upon her face.

“Why green? It’s Halloween. You’d think those Marauders would stick with orange and red,”� Michael commented dully.

“The Marauders didn’t plan these apparently,”� a seventh year Gryffindor informed Michael. 

Lily looked over at James Potter and immediately knew why the fireworks were emerald green. And she was grateful. Pleased and grateful.

**Please review.**


	3. One To Oblige

****

Solace

Chapter Three--One To Oblige

Having looked back on Michael’s approach to her two years earlier, Lily had come to realize exactly what had drawn him to her. She had been patient, understanding, and better yet, easy to talk to. Although she hadn’t known it at the time, Michael Crouch was an outcast. His family had deserted him the year before, leaving with him a considerable amount of gold and a shattered ego. He hadn’t offered any explanation as to _why_ they’d banished him from their home, but Lily could only assume.

Coincidentally, she was an outsider as well. Her parents were extremely supportive of all that she achieved, yet they didn’t understand her in the least. They tried, dear Merlin did they try. Only Petunia, her horse faced older sister, seemed to pass judgment. 

Lily had waited a year to tell Michael about her family. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him or that she didn’t think he’d understand. It was more of that fact that she wasn’t sure how long he’d stick around. He was a year her senior, extremely attractive, and carried a pure, profound name. He was easily desirable. Yet, he stayed. Even after she had refused to give him what he wanted most, he had stayed. 

Lily recalled the night she had told him about her sister vividly. She remembered him asking about her family, curious as to how she interacted with them. And she had told him. She had told him that her parents were two muggles who were extremely proud of her, despite them wishing she’d stayed in their world and become a doctor. She told him about the never-ending taunting she’d endured each and every summer since the age of eleven by her sister, Petunia. She had told him how on those nights, those summer nights, the only comfort she had found were the wet tears on her pillow. 

For some strange, unapparent reason at the time, Michael had sympathized. He’d never been known to pass off as compassionate, but that night, he had opened himself up to her. He had broken down, his words filled with fear and layered with guilt. 

They had been out by the lake, the moon gleaming wondrously overhead. Not one creature stirred, not even the wind rustled. They had spent hours upon hours sitting by that great body of water, talking of what grieved them the most.

And in that lonely hour, that hour of confession, Michael had taken her. He had taken from her all that she’d attempted to keep. Yet, she had been willing. She had known the time was right and at that moment, all that she had wanted to do was relieve him of those heavy tears blossoming from his cerulean eyes.

Her first time had been just as she’d expected. Passionate, painful, and unforgettable. She had given him one thing that she’d treasured, one thing that had allowed her to maintain her pride, and now, she could never retrieve it back.

XXX

Lily began spending as much time with James as her schedule allowed. He was started to become a good acquaintance. She didn’t dare think friend, knowing how problematic that might be.

Michael had never been fond of any friends Lily had held. They were inadequate, bothersome, annoying, and unwelcome. She’d once tried befriending a girl in her dorm, Ava Fiore, but Michael had grown extremely jealous. After a shattered hope and many painful words, Lily had reluctantly explained to Ava that she really couldn’t spare time for friends, what with her ever-demanding studies.

Although Lily had never explained any of this to James, he seemed to understand. She had never even voiced how possessive and controlling Michael could be, but yet, James Potter seemed to know. And somehow, this gave Lily the slight inclination that perhaps the entire school knew about Michael. 

She had never mentioned the fireworks to him, but he seemed to prefer it that way. As did she. She knew it was some significant secret held between just the two of them, which had basically initiated their trust in one another. She _did_ trust James Potter, which she would have considered extremely unlikely a year before. 

He just seemed to know and understand without her having to spell it out to him. The two of them talked of simple things, such as seasons, classes, childhood memories, and what-not. She soon learned that James Potter was completely genuine and true to his word. She sometimes wondered if the words Michael fed to her were even true. It was strange for her to compare the two, seeing as they seemed like complete polar opposites at first glance.

It was a pleasant surprise for her to befriend someone whom she had misjudged her entire time at Hogwarts. He was full of new, refreshing ideas and he had this undeniable character. She was grateful to have someone to talk to, someone who would listen to what Michael couldn’t. 

XXX

Gazing at her sore, slightly bruised arms, Lily felt small tears trickle down her pale, smooth face. She had strolled out to the lake to meet Michael. He had kept her waiting two hours, two lonesome hours. He was never good about keeping promises. 

She urged herself to go back to bed, to leave _him_ hanging for once. Yet, something inside of her refused. She couldn’t move. Even without his presence, he held a hold on her. 

He’d kept her waiting more times than she could count. She could only imagine what he was doing when he wasn’t in her presence. He was under the impression that she held no constraint. He was in control. He made the rules. And he was right. Lily couldn’t even imagine what she would do if he betrayed her in some way. She’d caught wind of rumors and had to force herself to deny them.

The air was chilly, the sky clear and mesmerizing. She lost so many hours of precious sleep for him. She sacrificed so much for him; her social life, her academics, her dignity, and more importantly, her heart. There was only so much she could give.

After what felt like forever, she heard his footsteps stumbling down the castle steps. She couldn’t complain, couldn’t voice her disappointment in him. All she could do was hold him in her arms as he stumbled to sit down. He had been crying once more, a nearly empty bottle of the strongest fire whiskey in his hand. It seemed that whenever she saw him, he was either drunk or close to it.

He sat for some time, his eyes glazed and his hands running up and down her back as gently as he could manage. He did love her, she knew that. He had never been good with words, with control, or with respect. 

“Where’ve you been?”� she asked him softly, running her hands through his hair affectionately. She made to cover her black and blue arms, but not before he could see them himself. A scowl crossed his face and she wasn’t sure whether he was disappointed in himself or her. He didn’t answer her question, but folded his arms around her. 

“Lily, I need you,”� he pleaded, his eyes wide in despair. “I need you now. Please.”�

And she obliged. Memories flashed through her mind quickly and abruptly. That night, that first night by the lake, replayed in her mind. He had been so vulnerable, so compassionate that night, and now, she saw it escalated even further. He drank his pain away. He resisted his own vulnerability by taking advantage of hers. Yet, she remained. She kissed him slowly, his rough hands coursing their way up and down her body eagerly. She had lost control. She had lost all that she had once prided. She was at his beck and call. She was completely and entirely his.

**A/N: Please review.**


	4. One To Listen

****

Solace

Chapter Four--One To Listen

The situation Lily shared with Michael Crouch wasn’t clear. She constantly questioned herself; her actions, her thoughts, her heart. What was it that drew her to him? What was it that kept the two of them, a total and complete train wreck of a couple, together? She felt glued to him, unable to escape even if she’d wanted to. 

Perhaps it was insecurity. Maybe it was actually love. Yet, Lily couldn’t even imagine life without Michael. She could barely remember life before him. It was hazy and unclear, as if it didn’t actually exist. Fourth year had changed everything. 

The drinking, the subtle signs of abuse, the inner-battle that was tormenting him. It was all escalating so quickly, piling itself upon Lily forcefully. She was having trouble comprehending exactly why Michael was acting in such a manner. He had always been a bit aggressive, but Lily had always considered it passion. She had forgiven each and every instance without a second thought. Yet, now, something inside of her was rebelling. She needed to speak. She needed to release it all. 

She had no _real_ friends. She knew nearly everyone at the school because of Michael. He was really the popular one. She was just a sidekick, a girlfriend, a companion, a fake. So many students, so many so-called friends, but who to choose? Who was trusting enough to truly withhold her information?

It always led back to James. He seemed to be the only real friend she had. She could no longer consider herself an outcast, a fraud. She did have a friend. She had someone to confide in. She had someone to trust. She knew that if need be, James would always be there for her. It was new, refreshing even. The trouble was, how to tell him?

XXX 

On a bitterly cold November morning, Lily carefully wrapped herself in a pale blue knit sweater, hugging her arms around her body for warmth. Michael hadn’t shown any ‘odd’ behavior for the past couple of weeks, which indicated to Lily that he was most likely over whatever had been troubling him. 

As she walked through the Great Hall, she felt Michael’s gaze from his seat at the Slytherin table. She knew that he would probably join her in a few moments’ time so, she divulged herself in a tall glass of orange juice and proceeded to open the mail that had been left for her by her owl, Dora. She wasn’t one to indulge in the Daily Prophet, having been thoroughly convinced by Michael that it was all rubbish. She preferred minding her own and keeping out of the turmoil the wizarding world was facing. 

After reading about the death of a fellow student a year earlier, Lily had decided for herself that the Prophet wasn’t the best way to keep her spirits high. Call it superstition, but she didn’t wish to jinx anything upon herself.

So, it was a rare oddity that she had received mail. She smiled a bit to herself as she gently held a neat, white envelope in her hands. As she opened it, the smell of her mother’s old jasmine perfume brought back joyous recollections of the earlier days, her life before Hogwarts. It seemed so far away, so impossible to reach. She was glad that her mother refused to let her forget. 

She felt Michael’s quick kiss graze her cheek and his arms swiftly wrapping themselves around her waist. 

“Good morning,”� she greeted, her eyes scanning the letter. 

“Who’s writing to you, love?”� he asked her, his gaze dropping onto the carefully scrawled words of Mrs. Evans.

“Just my mum,”� Lily replied quickly, unable to see the sudden change in Michael’s expression.

“You mean she still writes to you?”� he inquired, his tone not only curious, but brash.

“Of course she does,”� Lily told him, dropping the letter and smiling. “I mean, we may have our disagreements, but she is still my mother. She just wanted to let me know that Petunia’s having her wedding in February.”�

“Petunia? Your sister? You’re not actually going to attend, are you? I mean, she’s made your life hell from what I can judge,”� he told her.

“Well, yes, but she’s my sister,”� she told him evenly. “I have to attend. It just wouldn’t set right with me if I missed it.”�

His clear, bright eyes darkened hastily, his mouth thinning at her every word. She released his hold on her, standing quickly. “And I thought you understood,”� he muttered, his voice low and quiet. “But you don’t. You’re just like every other melodramatic teenager in this fucking institution.”�

“Wait, Michael,”� Lily called, unaware that he had stopped caring about her words the moment she’d mentioned her mother’s letter. She watched him leave the Great Hall, unable to pinpoint exactly where she’d gone wrong.

It was only when she felt the salty taste on her lips did she realize that a small tear had trickled it’s way slowly down her face. She wiped it away, in a numb state of shock and confusion.

“Evans,”� she heard someone say, a dark figure standing before her uncertainly. “Want to take a walk?”�

She looked up, knowing exactly who it was. Those hazel eyes were not full of pity nor mock. 

“We have class, James,”� she told him quietly, folding her letter back into the envelope. 

“I didn’t ask you if we had class,”� he told her. “I asked you if you’d like a walk.”�

Smiling, she nodded. “Yes, I think I would.”�

XXX

For the longest time, the two of them said nothing. They simply walked. They walked as far as the Hogwarts grounds would lead them. They walked around the partially frozen lake, towards the Whomping Willow, near Hagrid’s cottage, until they reached the entrance to the Forbidden Forest. 

Lily sent him a small, appreciative smile to signify that she understood that it was best if Michael didn’t spot them. He would perceive it entirely wrong, lose his temper, and most likely cause unnecessary damage upon both of them. 

She had always been cautious when walking near the Forbidden Forest, but once she was in it, she realized it was nothing more than another part of the magical community. The creatures were virtually harmless, the plants minded their own, and a dirt path was distinct and visible. The sunlight guided them. She looked over at James, who was completely and entire at ease, his hands in his pockets and his unruly hair swaying in turn with the wind.

“I know what he’s going through,”� James told her, not needing to elaborate upon who exactly _he_ was. “When I was a child, my parents explained to me that there were two types of wizards in the world. There were those who lived to live and those who lived to serve. Those who lived to serve could generally be classified as dark, unable to find their own path. They explained to me that those who lived to live, those who valued all that their life had to offer, worked to prevent those who lived to serve from causing a disturbance.”�

Lily followed, his words not only abrupt and a bit surprising, but also slightly confusing. He was speaking from a child’s point of view, as if he was merely repeating what his parents had told him without hesitating to examine it. Their words were gold.

“My parents lived to live. They trained immediately out of high school to pursue their dreams. Both had identified their purpose early on. They became Aurors, working to fight those who served and perhaps still serve Voldemort. It wasn’t until their boss passed that they realized that they needed to live. They married and despite my mum’s age, had me. I grew up frightened, knowing all too well about the death rate in their field. I couldn’t imagine life without them. If my parents were to be killed in the line of duty, my entire world would collapse. I’ve always wondered how I would take it. Would I move on, knowing that’s what they’d want, or would I become a monster? I’ve dwelled on death since the age of five.”�

Potter, with the bluest blood of all, seemed to surprise her by the moment. His words, so compassionate and caring, didn’t seem to relate to Michael in the least. He must have sensed her need for elaboration.

“I’m not excusing his behavior in any way, Lily,”� James told her. “He’s become something so horrible, so dark, that I’m surprised you can even bear to be in his presence. But, the point is, you can. He’s lucky for someone like you, whether he realizes it or not.”�

“James,”� she intervened at last. “Your words are kind and all, but if I can be honest, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”�

“What do you mean?”� he inquired. “You mean he hasn’t told you? After all this time he hasn’t even mentioned it?”�

“Mentioned what?”� she asked him, her voice cracking with worry. What hadn’t he told her? 

“It was in the Prophet and everything,”� he told her, still bemused as to how she could be kept in the dark for so long.

“I don’t read the Prophet,”� Lily informed him, tucking a strand of auburn hair behind her slightly red ears. 

“The Crouch family,”� he began uncomfortably, not wanting to deliver news that wasn’t rightfully his. “Is gone. They were killed back in July. And well, I can only interpret Michael’s behavior as a direct result of such.”�

_Killed?_

“What do you mean?”� she asked, frazzled. “They’re all gone? All of them?”�

“Well, not the entire family,”� James told her awkwardly. “Only Michael’s mum, dad, and brother. All three worked at the Ministry for quite some time and well, it was understandable that they’d be targets, but it was so unexpected. I can’t believe he didn’t ask you to attend the funeral.”�

“He hasn’t even mentioned it,”� Lily told James, flabbergasted. “How could he keep something like this from me? I mean, I know it’s his burden, but I’m his girlfriend. You’d think he’d have enough sense to share something this horrible with me.”�

It all began to make sense. His drinking. She had mistaken it for attempting to drown out his past. But really, he was trying to escape his present. 

“Thank you,”� she told James, pausing in her tracks to grab his hand. 

He nodded, surprising her. He hadn’t flinched when she’d placed his hand in hers. 

“It all makes sense to me now,”� she told James quietly, more to herself than to him. She needed to get it out and now, she knew exactly who would listen. “This may not excuse his behavior, but it at least explains it. You see, James, he’s been vulnerable and afraid. He was never able to say goodbye to them properly. Everything has been left unraveled. He still has loose ends to tie and now, he’ll never be able to do so.”�

“How do you know?”� James asked her, his hand still in hers.

“I feel the same way,”� she told him wisely. She now knew what she had to do. She needed to talk to Michael, to tell him everything. She needed to get through to him, to set limits, and to regain her dignity.

**A/N: Please review. More will be answered in the following chapters.**


	5. One To Lose

**Solace Chapter Five--One To Lose**

Lily decided to let Michael brew for a few days before confronting him. She and Michael were never the talkative sort, but Lily was beginning to realize that perhaps they should try to be. Obviously, the two of them had some issues that needed to be worked out and hopefully, they could help coax one another out of their current states. 

During the day, her thoughts would often roam upon her own family, her own contemplations, her own discrepancies. Yet, she couldn’t help but think of Michael. He was a part of her, had been for two years, and she refused to take the news of his family’s death lightly. 

She’d never experienced loss in such a manner. The only recollection of death she could recall was seven years in the past. Her grandmother had died peacefully in her sleep, old age taking it’s toll upon the woman. She remembered that her mother had cried, unable to express words for the grief she’d experienced. Lily had understood it at the time, knowing precisely how life was changed from loss. She’d remained calm throughout the funeral, holding her mother’s hand in hopes of rendering any strength that may have been needed. 

And now, at the age of sixteen, Lily hoped to do the same for Michael. She wanted to give him hope, give him a small shred of faith for the future. Yet, this was Michael Crouch. He wasn’t prone to optimism. 

The more she thought about it, the more nervous she became. She knew that she’d be reaching out on a limb for him, jeopardizing all that she believed in. The part that scared her most was that she wasn’t even sure if he was worth it. 

XXX 

The end of November signified a change in the air outside, bringing despair to Lily. She’d always treasured the fall, the happy medium between two extremes. The atmosphere had always been so calming, the falling leaves a pleasant comfort. Yet, now the trees were bare and many were forced to remain inside with the warm, soothing fireplace. Without the fall, she almost felt trapped inside of the castle. 

Lily had once enjoyed the first snowfall, before the harsh winds began and ice formed in every lonesome crevice. Yet, since she began dating Michael, the two of them had never appreciated the winter season. He wasn’t fond of cold, claiming it was in his blood. 

Despite her love of the autumn season, Lily found herself longing to embrace the new change taking place at Hogwarts. As she sat in the common room, avoiding Michael at any and all costs, her emerald green eyes pondered the winter season. 

She sort of missed the excitement she’d once felt as a child. She ironically missed the tingling feeling the snow brought to her fingertips, the way the small snowflakes fell on her dark eyelashes. She longed to be a snow angel once more. 

“Evans,”� a voice rang, breaking her from her recollections of the past. She turned her head to find the ever charming James Potter standing beside her. She’d been seated at a window sill, her arms hugging her legs protectively. 

Lily offered him a feeble smile, attempting to hide the anguish she’d been trying to escape. 

“Care to spend some time with a friend?”� he asked her, his voice now pleasingly familiar to her normally deprived ears. 

She found herself surprised that she was growing fond of the way he jumped directly to the point, not bothering to skip around his intentions. 

“I think I would,”� she decided, all thoughts of Michael vanquishing temporarily as she eyed the snow outside and made to grab a cloak and scarf. 

XXX 

The signs of winter had come early that year, the lake already adorning a thick layer of ice atop of it. Lily thought back to the days when her mother would take her and Petunia ice skating at the local park. Petunia had been a natural, having acquired the perfect build for the sport; tall and lanky. Lily, however, who had short, little legs, required a bit of extra attention from their mother. 

She remembered how safe she felt, her mother’s hands guiding her along a circular path. She recalled how proud she’d been, how she’d boasted to their father that evening. Petunia had disregarded it, bragging of her own achievements and belittling Lily’s. 

Their rivalry had begun early on and had only exemplified the year Lily received her letter to Hogwarts. Perhaps that was why she enjoyed the fall so much. It was in the fall of her eleventh year that Lily escaped her sister. And now, in the winter, all the childhood memories she’d cherished were becoming much more clear. She’d been faced with adversity her entire life. No matter how proud she could become, there was always someone there just waiting to bring her down. 

As they walked through the weightless snow, the powdered flakes dropping onto them from above, Lily couldn’t help but wonder exactly why she’d chosen to dare the cold weather for the first time in years. It brought back such awful memories; recollections of Michael and Petunia. 

As she felt James Potter dragging her down into a snow bank to create the perfect snow angel, she knew why. She’d never had anyone to share the season with. And now, she had James. 

XXX

Lily stood, fumbling with her hands nervously as she eyed Michael from a distance. He knew she was there, but he refused to make her presence known. She had owled him that morning, requesting his company that night claiming ‘they needed to talk’. Much to her surprise, he had shown up. 

The Astronomy Tower was ideal for private conversations and well, anything, really, that couples had in mind. Yet, Lily preferred it for it’s vast size, perfect view, and serene atmosphere. 

He looked so beautiful in the moonlight, his dark hair and cerulean eyes sending chills up and down her spine quickly. His face was dark, reclusive, and to her dismay, contorted with a seething anger. Obviously he was still upset about her sister’s wedding invitation. Lily reminded herself that there was more to it than that. 

“Michael,”� she finally voiced, her sound small and fragile, almost helpless in his presence. She wanted to sound confidant, demanding even. She needed to set boundaries, to reaffirm the status of their relationship. 

He refused to turn his head, but she knew he’d heard her. The corners of his mouth had taken a downturn, making him look even more cross than usual. 

“I heard about your parents,”� she blurted out, wanting some sort of reaction, any reaction. Yet, she didn’t receive. “I saw a newspaper clipping,”� she lied. “Mentioning their death in July. I’ve sort of been going over it in my head for the past week or so and well, I’ve come to wonder why you never told me.”� 

She had his attention, although he still remained as unvocal as ever. His silence was daunting, leaving her uneasy. He’d been known to react as so, launching into an episode when she least expected it. 

“Is it because you don’t trust me?”� Lily inquired, her voice soft and caring. She wanted to let him know that he could come to her, he could always come to her. After two years, they could still rely upon each other. “Because, really, I want you to know that--”� 

“Who told you?”� he asked gruffly, his voice low and raspy. His eyes turned, catching hers unexpectedly. “Was it Potter? Because, from what I’ve heard, the two of you have been quite busy together.”� 

“Potter? James Potter?”� she asked, her voice cracking abruptly and her palms beginning to sweat. He stood, inching closer to her with each breath she took. 

“Don’t play dumb, Lily,”� he advised her, his words clear and precise. He was surprisingly sober, unlike what she’d been prepared for. “It’s not a very attractive feature on a woman.”� 

“He’s just a friend,”� she told Michael defensively. “And no, he wasn’t the one who told me. I saw it in a newspaper clipping in the library when I was doing research for Defense Against the Dark Arts.”� 

“Well, did your little newspaper clipping happen to mention what happened to the surviving son?”� Michael inquired rashly. “Because, from what I understand, he inherited nothing from his deceased parents and was harassed by his uncle at the Ministry.”� 

“Your uncle? You never mentioned an uncle,”� Lily told him sharply. “But, then again, an uncle is far less important than the death of your immediate family. If you didn’t mention them, I wouldn’t expect you to mention something as petty as an uncle.”� 

“Yes, Uncle Barty is as unforgiving as the Prophet makes him out to be,”� Michael informed her, his eyes glowing wildly. His breath was hot on her face, his fingers tracing her cheek unconsciously. “I’m still the family outcast and apparently, I am undeserving of the Crouch name. And despite the fact that they’re _my_ parents and _my_ brother, he won’t include me in their murder investigation. I know nothing. I’ve been left with nothing but broken memories and a Mudblood girlfriend. Lucky me.”� 

Michael was notorious for being low, but insulting his own girlfriend was an all-time reach for him. She’d have preferred he’d physically harm her opposed to brandishing her with that foul name. Yet, she couldn’t help but cling onto one tiny piece of information he’d let slip. 

His parents had been murdered. That was worst than she’d expected. But, she should have known considering what James had told her. They did work at the Ministry, after all, and the community was in the middle of a dark, ruthless war. She should have expected casualties to arise. She’d never imagined it would have struck so close to home. 

“Michael, I know you’re hurting right now, but you shouldn’t take it out on me,”� she pleaded, bringing her hand to his face, caressing his cheek tenderly. He brushed it away, a scowl besmirching his already crooked face. 

“You don’t know shit, Lily,”� he told her, his voice raising to a dangerous level. “Here I am, mourning the death of parents who couldn’t give a dragon’s arse about my well-being, and my girlfriend’s off canoodling with James bloody Potter. Do you have any idea how much you’ve embarrassed me?”� 

“We didn’t do anything,”� she told him, her voice sounding so pitiful in comparison. She may as well have been invisible. 

“I won’t tolerate being shamed, Lily,”� he told her, his knuckles cracking to withhold the anger he was suppressing. “Do you have any idea how lucky you’ve had it for the past two years? I know at least thirteen girls who would kill to be in your shoes. And you blew it for a Marauder. I thought you were better than that. But, obviously, I overestimated you.”� 

Realization was upon her as his words departed bitterly from his lips. Her eyes were glazing over, her thoughts almost trance like. He was leaving her. He was _finally_ leaving her, her biggest fear being fulfilled. 

She had thought that despite their problems, their love would allow them to persevere. Despite her doubts, their passion would keep their relationship alive. She’d been wrong. 

“You won’t know how good you had it, babe, until it’s gone,”� he told her, leaving with an ugly, all-knowing smirk implanted upon his face. 

He had left her there, left her when she’d tried reaching out to him. The consequences of her actions had come alive. She’d been waiting for him to do so and he had. A part of her wanted to blame it upon his current condition, yet the more rational, sensible part knew that the two of them had merely been hanging on a string, waiting for one final blow to wipe them out. 

And it had. James Potter had served as that blow. 

**A/N: Sorry it’s kind of short. I tried to make the length a bit longer. I’m not sure if I even like that chapter. I’m sort of setting up for things I have in store. I wouldn’t get too excited about her and Michael either. As said, I have some things in store. And, to answer all questions, Barty Crouch & Barty Crouch, Jr. are Michael’s uncle & cousin. Thanks, hope you enjoyed, and please review.**


	6. One To Carry On

**Solace**

Chapter Six--One To Carry On 

The rate to which gossip traveled simply astounded Lily. To no ends, students at her school could foster an idea, carry it along, and add their own embellishments in attempt to amuse themselves and others around the castle. The news that Lily Evans and Michael Crouch had broken up hadn’t taken long to spread. In fact, it had taken a mere twenty-four hours. 

After waking up the following morning, her eyes red and annoyingly dry, Lily had walked into the Great Hall with numerous whispers following. Quickly glancing over to the Slytherin table, she spotted Michael, his cerulean eyes filled with faux merriment and laughter. Vera Myles, a seventh year Slytherin girl with eyes of a fox and a reputation shot to hell, was busy leaning over the table, one of her hands caressing Michael’s left arm tenderly. 

If Michael honestly thought she was going to be jealous of some cheap, Slytherin slut, he was wrong. Lily managed to roll her eyes discreetly and sit down upon her own table. It _was_ rather strange to not have any company that morning, since Michael normally ventured over to the Gryffindor table at about that time. But, Lily knew things were going to be immensely different from how they’d been before.

The thought of Vera Myles with her grimy paws all over Michael’s left arm left Lily a bit disturbed though. She couldn’t shake the image from her mind, not out of jealousy, but merely out of concern. Vera, herself, wasn’t a Death Eater, but it was well known that she lived for a rebel. And her singling out Michael wasn’t a good sign. 

Michael may have been misunderstood, but he was not desperate enough to start taking commands from Lord Voldemort. He just didn’t live that way. Lily knew that he’d never be able to oblige to anyone other than himself and really, that wasn’t the stereotypical Death Eater. She only hoped he considered that trivial fact before making a stupid mistake. 

XXX 

Following the end of classes, Lily made her way out into the courtyard, her bag firmly hanging on her right shoulder and swinging absently with each step she took. The morning snow had been charmed from the ground, making it less hazardous to walk upon. She had decided that today, her time before dinner was going to be spent studying. And the ideal spot for her, really, was in the courtyard on an unoccupied stone bench. The appeal was actually hard for the blind eye to see, but Lily figured that despite the cold weather, she really needed some fresh air. 

The winter season was actually beginning to grow on her the more she began to think about it. Perhaps she’d only been a fall person because Michael had been a fall person. But, she realized that she loved everything about winter. She loved the way her cheeks were always scarlet from the cold air and the way her nose was constantly congested. She loved the way the moonlight hit the snow at night, basically defeating the purpose of the pitch black atmosphere nighttime brought. She loved that whenever she had an intake or release of air, she could see the effect it had with the weather. She loved that, if in the morning she rushed outside with damp hair, her auburn tendrils would become brittle momentarily until she ventured back indoors. 

It was the odd, unnoticed components of winter that Lily enjoyed. She hadn’t even realized that she’d been staring off onto the grounds until James Potter waved a hand in front of her eyes, causing her to snap out of her daydreams. 

James had been the only person she’d talked to since her breakup with Michael and naturally, he’d heard. It had been two weeks, two long, difficult weeks. Fortunately, she’d done her best to avoid running into him whatsoever and thankfully, Hogwarts was a big school. It wasn’t like she’d had much time to dwell on it either. James had seen to it that someone was always taking care of her, whether it be him or one of his fellow Marauders. Yet, she preferred it when it was him who was around her. He seemed to understand her best. 

“Lovely spot for studying,”� he commented sarcastically before sitting down beside her, resting his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. He was smiling, of course, a smile Lily had come to enjoy seeing. He was _always_ smiling. Sometimes, she wasn’t even sure _what_ it was that James was smiling about. He always seemed to find something enjoyable, something that brought a bit of brightness to his face. Although she’d never tell him, she was envious of his constant optimism. 

“I thought so,”� she told him, her tone lathered with amusement. If it hadn’t been for James, she probably wouldn’t have been able to wake up in the morning. But then again, if it hadn’t been for James, she’d probably still be with Michael. 

“I love winter,”� he told her, turning his head so that he could look at her briefly before his eyes roamed back to the people passing through the courtyard. Lily had noticed that James was a people watcher. It didn’t matter who, but he was always alert. She’d never seen anyone notice people so much. James just really seemed to _see_ people and to Lily, that was a remarkable feature. She only wished she could be as observant.

“Could have fooled me,”� she retorted back cheekily, brushing a strand of deep red hair from her face and setting her small, pale hand back onto her lap. “You can’t play Quidditch in the winter.”� 

He chuckled, his laugh warm and pleasant to her ears. “True,”� he told her hesitantly. Lily noticed the resistance in his voice. It wasn’t uncommon for the two of them. He seemed like the sort of person who had so much to say, but not enough time to say it all. And when she thought about it, she was exactly the opposite. She didn’t know what the hell she wanted to say and she had far too much time to say whatever it is she may have come up with. With him, he seemed hesitant to provide too much to her. Not guarded, exactly, but afraid. “But I think that’s the appeal. I mean, during the spring and fall, I’m James Potter, the Gryffindor chaser. But, during the winter, I have a chance to actually be someone. People don’t just see me as a Quidditch player.”� 

And again, Lily felt envious of James Potter. He had so many thoughts, so many ambitions, so much perspective. And yet, they were the exact same age and she didn’t even have a clue. In comparison, she was lost. 

“Well, at least people recognize you for something that actually required some effort,”� she grumbled, her voice becoming raspy from the cold air. “I’m Lily Evans, Michael Crouch’s dopey girlfriend. Or at least I was. Now, I’m his dopey ex-girlfriend. Even better, if you ask me.”� 

“If it means anything to you, I never saw you as just Michael Crouch’s girlfriend,”� he told her, shrugging slightly and from what Lily could tell, hoping he hadn’t crossed the line. He hadn’t. 

“You’re different,”� she insisted, stretching her legs out in front of her and suddenly wishing that the ground was covered in snow. She’d absolutely love kicking her feet around in the weightless white powder. “You actually notice people. You’re not caught up in the gossip mill of Hogwarts. You base your opinions of people upon what you see, not by what you know.”� 

“And you don’t?”� he asked her quickly, his response a bit surprising to her. She wasn’t sure what she did. 

“I haven’t been able to form opinions,”� Lily told him, biting her lip and wondering whether she should elaborate. She wanted to, she really did, but she wasn’t sure whether James was ready to hear that part of her life. “Michael wasn’t exactly keen on socializing. Well, at least he wasn’t keen on _me_ socializing.”�

“And despite that, we became friends,”� James pointed out, running a hand through his already messy locks. She had always found that particular characteristic as an annoying way of grasping attention from others, but now she saw it for what it really was; a nervous habit. “And you formed your own opinion of me. And, contrary to popular belief, I am indeed a person.”� 

He was right. As always, James Potter was right. And she was glad he was. He seemed to see her as something more, something more than other’s saw. She wasn’t just Lily Evans, pretty face. She was Lily Evans, a girl with brains, meaningful opinions, and a personality. She wasn’t just Michael’s girlfriend. Now, she was his friend. And honestly, she found it to be her best move in six years. 

XXX 

It was at night that Lily found herself dwelling. She didn’t have anyone to distract her, anyone to take her mind off of the pain she’d undergone for the past two years. It had finally mounted upon her, forcing itself to become a problem, and now the problem was gone. And without the problem, Lily wondered exactly where she would go. 

Without Michael, Lily wasn’t sure what was in store for her. She desperately wanted to just live her life without worrying what Michael would think, what Michael would do, and whether Michael would get upset. It had been a part of her life for two years, two long, hard years, and now it was gone. He was gone. 

And each night, for the past two weeks, she’d found solace in the tears. But now, after two weeks, she didn’t need to grieve any longer. She didn’t need to mourn. It was without Michael that a new opportunity was being presented to her. She wasn’t going to just be his dopey, stupid, mudblood girlfriend. She was going to be Lily Evans. She was going to have what James had. 

And she’d prove to everyone, she’d prove to herself, that she didn’t need Michael. 

**A/N: Thought I’d give you all a light chapter before the you-know-what hits the fan. I’m pretty sure you won’t be seeing Michael for at least two or three chapters, but don’t take my word on it. Hope you enjoyed! I’ll try and update when I find some time and inspiration. Thanks for the wonderful reviews! Keep them coming.**


	7. One To Reminisce

**Solace**

Chapter Seven -- One To Reminisce 

The winter holiday, as wonderful as it was, didn’t seem to drag on nearly as long as it once had in previous years. For once, Lily was disappointed to see the budding of flowers on the bare trees, the rippling waves in the lake opposed to the glossy ice that had flooded over the deep water. The signs of springtime were not unwelcome, but they seemed to sadden Lily. 

The winter had signified a turning point for her. She’d broken away from the empty person she’d once been and for the first time, she’d made a friend. James Potter was, in no other words, loyal. He’d stuck by her during both the good and the bad. As much as she’d tried, moving on from Michael was not nearly as easy as she’d have imagined. She’d thought that getting over him would begin as soon as she set her mind to it. It had, of course, but she quickly realized that it would take time. 

And the winter season was the only semblance of truth she had. The winter had been her time to overlook what she’d once been and move onto something new. It had been her transformation, her accomplishment. And without the winter, she wasn’t sure where her life would lead. 

She confided in James that she felt silly for comparing phases of her life to the seasons outside, but it was a constant in her life and she couldn’t possibly let go of it. Of course, James was wise and all-knowing, in her opinion, at least. He’d told her that her life wasn’t dependent on the seasons outside. She didn’t need to be afraid of change.

But, she _was_ scared of change. She was scared of losing all that she’d accomplished over the past few months. She was scared of the light. 

XXX 

Although Lily was pining for the winter season, the springtime had it’s perks as well. As a sixth year, she found that she had a lot of time at her disposal. She could roam the castle, she could enjoy the common room, but it was outside that she found sanctuary. The warm weather allowed for her to step onto the grounds with only a light jacket, making her feel less tied down and more independent. 

She often took walks through the Forbidden Forest, despite the fact that she was a Prefect and the act would more than likely be frowned upon if she were caught. But, she was mid-revolution and it was during the transition from spring to winter that she began to do more for herself. She liked animals, she liked nature, she liked the fresh air the forest brought. She’d never imagined that she could be so daring, so carefree. It was a new side of her, a side she’d once had but had thought to be lost. 

James sometimes joined her in the forest after Quidditch practice, flying on his broom beside her as she walked and picked flowers from the trees. The exclusivity of the forest, the seclusion, seemed to make it easier to speak freely. Lily began to notice that she rather enjoyed talking. She enjoyed it especially so when the talking was done with James. For the longest time, she’d always been a listener. But, now, she pondered life, pondered questions that had been trapped away inside of her mind for years. And James listened. James responded, sharing his own views on her thoughts. She’d never actually talked with someone, about things that mattered and more so about things that didn’t. 

He seemed to understand that she needed to talk, she needed to get these thoughts out to someone willing to lend an ear. He was more than happy to oblige to her. She often asked him whether he minded her silliness, her random chatter that could last for hours on end. 

And just as she knew he would, he replied with a typical James response; “We’re friends, Lily. Why would I mind?”� 

It was with these small, mind-blowing sentences that Lily began to open herself up to the light she’d been avoiding. But, little did she realize that it was James who held that light. He seemed to lead her down the path of optimism, a path she’d been avoiding for far too long. It was along this path that she felt support, support she’d been longing for, but that had never been offered before James Potter entered her life. 

As much as she loved talking with him, she still preferred listening. His words were so original, anything but shallow. He knew how to make her laugh, the first genuine act she’d been able to perform. Normally, in social circumstances, she found herself forced to laugh, a smile necessary upon her face. But with James, she didn’t need to force anything. 

He took her mind off of all that troubled her, an accomplishment she wouldn’t have been able to manage on her own. Although she’d hoped the tears would cease to exist, every night they still came, as if running on schedule. She still thought about Michael when she was alone, wondering how many women he’d used since the time of their break-up. She wondered how many women he’d used even before their break-up. 

Only just last week, she’d seen him with the Head Girl. And then, it’d all started to make sense to her. He’d been receiving tutoring in Potions for over a year and all the while, she’d remained naive. The tears hadn’t fallen that night. She’d refused to let them. Her upper lip had stiffened and she’d fought off the pain. To her, those tears still bound her to Michael. They symbolized the control he’d once had over her, the control he still may have had. 

She refused to think about any confrontation that could possibly occur between the two of them. Would she ever take him back? Would she ever reconsider going back to the only life she’d known for two years? He’d been the boy to take her virginity, but had he taken her heart? Had she let him take too much? 

It was with James that she let these questions go. She refused to even bring Michael up in conversation with him. James and Michael were two completely separate parts of her life. She didn’t want them to coalesce. She _couldn’t_ let them coalesce. 

XXX 

One Saturday afternoon, Lily had dragged James out to the lake, the air warmer than it’d been the entire year. The spring was beginning to hold promise for her and she was beginning to see the bright side. Perhaps she could be a year-round sort of girl, enjoying _every_ season. Perhaps she could just enjoy life in general. 

Dipping her feet into the cool water of the lake, Lily let a small grin pass over her face as she reminisced to the year before. It was always so strange to think of fifth year. Michael had been a huge part of her life then. She’d been weak, she’d been vulnerable, and she’d been more than impressionable. But, at the end of that year, she’d broken away. And even then, James had been able to free her from the control Michael had over her. 

She turned to look at him, watched as he’d closed his eyes to block the sun and enjoy the warmth. He hadn’t let his feet dangle in the water as she had, later confiding that he wasn’t a big fan of swimming. Something about him was much different than it’d been the previous year. He’d matured so much, her impression of him changing along as time passed. To think, only a year before she’d reprimanded him only feet from the very spot she was seated at. And now, they were friends. 

His jet black messy hair was stirring as the wind sifted through it and for once, she had the desire to just reach over and touch it. That’d be entire inappropriate and the mere thought scared her. James Potter, in her mind, related only to the word friend. Nothing more, nothing less. 

“Do you remember O.W.L.’s last year?”� she asked him tentatively, wondering if she should even bring up that incident. Perhaps it embarrassed him. He _had_ grown up quite a bit since that time. Sure, he could be childish when he wished, but overall, he had made that transition from boy to man. She wondered if his parents noticed this change, wondered if they were proud. 

He turned to look at her, smiling to her surprise. He’d opened those hazel eyes, those beautiful iris’ lined with splashes of brown, green, and honey. Her impression of those eyes hadn’t changed. She still found them beautiful. 

“Ah, the rumble between prat and Prefect,”� he mused, throwing his head back to release a warm, pleasant laugh. She loved when he laughed. Seemed to make the situation more comfortable, more approachable. “Yes, I remember.”� 

She fell quiet, thinking back to how strong she’d felt, how empowered she’d been after that incident. She’d used her position as Prefect for the greater good. She’d helped Severus Snape, despite the fact that her help had been unwelcome. She hadn’t stood off in the sidelines. She hadn’t let James Potter or Sirius Black step over her authority. She’d been brave. 

But, she’d gone back to being regular Lily the moment Michael had swooped in, his words on the situation harsh and malicious. She’d cowered before him, ashamed of what she’d done. It was only now, with James, that she ultimately felt glad. Even then he’d been able to open up a part of her she kept hidden from the rest of the world.

“It’s funny where life takes us, huh?”� she voiced, her emerald green eyes striking the water with wonder. The reflection was quite different from that night last year with Michael. She wasn’t battered, she wasn’t bruised, she wasn’t even broken. She was Lily. Nothing more, nothing less. 

He seemed to know that she hadn’t wanted an answer to the half-question she’d posed. She’d just been voicing the thoughts roaming around inside her mind. And he watched as she gazed into the water, pondering exactly how the two of them had ended up as friends. Their reflections would have seemed so out of the ordinary last year, but now, it all seemed to fit. 

If only she’d see what he saw. But, he knew he needed to give her time. Lily Evans was anything but easy, despite what Michael Crouch may have believed. While Lily gazed upon the water, she saw a difference, a change. She saw trust, James saw opportunity. 

**A/N: Not my best, but I thought I’d just show some of the change that’d been brought to Lily. Hope you enjoyed! Please review.**


	8. One To Mend

**Solace**

**Chapter Eight -- One To Mend**

Avoidance had been key to Lily’s progress in the past couple of months. She had failed to surround herself with what had once seemed to consume her life - primarily, Michael. Although parties were still frequently held upon the Quidditch pitch, Lily opted to spend her time within the castle. She knew that there was a good chance she would run into Michael had she attended any of the festivities, finding that alcohol was a big draw for someone so dependent upon a crutch. Although she’d always envisioned Michael as someone strong in both physical and emotional nature, she now knew the latter to be false. He was anything but emotionally stable, as had become evident in the last weeks of their relationship. Although Lily had always been under the inclination that Michael was the dominant force in their so-called ‘romance’, she now knew that he’d needed her. He’d needed someone to take out his frustration upon. He’d needed someone to help him through his weakness, to hold him when times became unbearable. 

Although James had assisted in allowing Lily to take her mind off of that particular person, the very same person who had broken her heart and attempted to break her spirit, there was little he could do upon nightfall, when everything went dark and all Lily had to support her was the pillow beneath her head, the moonlight streaming through her curtains, and the tears she shed every now and then in remembrance. She had very little to cry about these days and yet, there was an emptiness inside of her that seemed to receive such a response. 

Seemingly, Lily had accomplished so much in terms of moving forward. She’d made friends, unparticular as to which house they hailed from. But, more importantly, she’d made one true friend. She’d brought someone who she’d believed to lack sincerity into her life and allowed him to prove her wrong. He’d contradicted every pre-existing thought she’d once had upon his name and brought about a character of his very own. James Potter had gone above and beyond his line of duty as a friend and fellow Gryffindor. He’d brought new meaning to the word trust. Although the castle viewed him as their savior in terms of bringing entertainment to their small little worlds, playing pranks and exceeding upon the Quidditch pitch, he was just James to her. 

But, that was it. He was _just_ James. Nothing more, nothing less. He knew so very much about her and what had happened to her and what she _wanted_ to happen to her, but he failed to know one thing. He failed to know of the emptiness, the emptiness that still pined for Michael to reassume his place in her heart. He failed to know of the hope she held, the small shred of hope that still lingered upon his name. Lily knew that Michael had once relied upon her. He’d once needed her, although he’d never say such a thing aloud. It was this thought, this faith she held, that allowed Lily to feel that maybe, just maybe, she could be the one to fix Michael Crouch. 

XXX

“James Potter, where are you taking me?” Lily found herself demanding, although she couldn’t seem to suppress the smile that had found it’s way upon her face. Her hand had somehow been miraculously placed in his, her brilliant green eyes hidden away beneath a simple blindfold, and her feet were following in that silly Gryffindor boy’s lead. Their afternoon classes had been cancelled, thank Merlin, and James had taken the opportunity to treat Lily to a pre-graduation gift, as he’d referred to this small adventure. Reluctantly, although she couldn’t deny the butterflies floating about within the depths of her stomach, she’d agreed. Lily had always been rather hesitant when it came to new places and exploring new things. She didn’t recall ever being that way as a child, but at Hogwarts she’d somehow morphed into the quiet, observant type. Her mother had once called her a little hellion, endearingly, of course, due to her curious nature and unfaltering determination. 

She’d once been as gifted at exploration as James Potter claimed to be. It was tapping back into that side of her that was the difficult part. But, for the umpteenth time in the past few months, James was there, holding her hand through it, and leading her back to the person she’d once been. 

“Are you going to make me define ‘surprise’ for you _again_ , Evans? I can tell you where I’m not taking you. Let’s see, I’m _not_ taking you to the library. And I’m also _not_ taking you to the Great Hall. And, well, I’m imagining you already knew that since it’s a tad bit windy out here, which means you must know I’m _not_ taking you anywhere within the castle. But, that’s all you’re getting out me. No more questions,” James insisted, offering her hand a bit of a reassuring squeeze, which only seemed to add to the anxious, excited state she was currently in. 

“Are we almost there?” she found herself whining, knowing that whatever this was, it was bound to be good. James Potter had yet to disappoint her in the time they’d considered one another friends. Of course, she was failing to include the entire O.W.L. incident, as well as many other occasions that had once led her to believe him to be a pompous idiot. But, yet again, James Potter was a walking, talking contradiction. He was living proof that people could, indeed, change - sometimes even for the better. 

“Well, we’re closer to being almost there than we were five minutes ago when you asked me that very same thing,” James replied coyly, knowing that the suspense was driving her insane. Lily Evans hated a surprise, which made her the most fun person to offer such opportunities to. She was his favorite person to surprise, as she genuinely appreciated the effort put forth. Her eyes seemed to inherit a bit more sparkle than was ordinary and her smile, well, it wasn’t genuinely exhibited entirely too often. He’d once asked her why she put forth a forced smile, rather than allow it to come naturally. What she failed to realize was that James Potter only wanted real smiles from her and loved receiving them. Surprises tended to work in his favor, in terms of getting Lily to flash him a true grin. 

Biting on her lip nervously, Lily resisted the urge to whip off the blind fold and see for herself where she was being led. But, she knew that she would only spoil the fun - for both of them. As positively nerve-wracking as surprises could be, she was becoming more and more acquainted with reacting to them, as having James Potter as a friend seemed to entail plenty of unexpected occurrences. She was gradually becoming used to being on the receiving end of surprises and, the more she received, the more she appreciated them. 

“Alright. We’re here,” James said at last, reluctantly dropping his hand from hers and reaching up to unfold her blindfold. “Off with the blindfold and in with the thrill you’re about to receive.”

Cocking an eyebrow as she heard James’ word and felt the small bit of cloth fall from her eyes, Lily said suspiciously, “What makes you so sure I’m going to be so thrilled with whatever it is you’ve come to show me?” Taking in the atmosphere, Lily presumed that the two of them were in the midst of the Forbidden Forest. It wasn’t so uncommon for them to take strolls along a path Hagrid had mapped out for the more rebellious students - a fact which was either lost from Dumbledore’s knowledge or one he chose to ignore for the sake of youthful expedition. Lily had actually grown comfortable within the forest, despite the measures many of the staff members took to prevent students from entering upon the threshold. It was within the forest that she’d confided so much to James. It had served as starting grounds of their trust, an almost sacred place. For him to bring her out here, after all the time they’d already spent within it, well, it seemed to be less than surprising. But, she didn’t lose faith in the one person who never seemed to fall short in terms of astonishing her. 

“The Forbidden Forest,” Lily commented slowly, looking over at James as he walked towards one of the nearby trees nonchalantly, glancing at her from over his shoulder with a coy, devious smirk. “Well, you’ve outdone yourself here, Potter. I mean, wow, very shocking. My mind has officially been blown away.”

Lily merely stood back as she watched James walked towards a nearby tree, running his fingers along the rugged bark adorning the body. Something about the look in his eyes indicated to her that this was no ordinary tree. Obviously, they were coming to the catch of the situation. Lily had known there would be a catch. There was _always_ a catch when it came to simple surprises with James Potter. He had a unique outlook upon the world, one that was beginning to be rivaled by that of her own. The two of them were constantly sharing their thoughts and views on the most random of topics. One moment they could be talking politics, arguing over who they felt rightly deserved nomination for the Wizengamot, and the next they’d be debating whether an apple or an orange held greater significance to the overall intake of fruit each day - Lily was all for the apples. The moment he’d unveiled the surprise to her by removing that blindfold, Lily had known there was something more to it. To James, she was sure the Forbidden Forest wasn’t _just_ the Forbidden Forest. And, apparently, the tree standing before them was not _just_ a tree.

“Come here,” he said quietly, having allowed silence to linger between the two of them for a few short moments. Timidly, her arms crossed against her chest as wisps of her auburn hair were blown into her eyes by the wind, Lily went to stand beside James, taking in the tree. Of course, it wasn’t a very remarkable tree - at least not in Lily’s opinion. It was rather tall, but aside from that, it didn’t seem to hold many extraordinary qualities. Then again, Lily had never really considered trees as anything other than a mere way to judge passing time. She’d looked to the leaves as an indication of the coming season. For so long, Lily had measured life upon the weather. But, lately, she’d taken to ignoring the weather and simply living life. And, who better to teach her how to do that than a Mr. James Potter? No one, really.

“This, Lily Evans, is my tree. It’s been my tree since my second year at Hogwarts. You see that small, tiny engraving? The ‘J.P.’? That’s my mark. It’s been there for over four years now. At first, I came to this tree after my very first fight with Sirius. It had something to do with a girl we both liked, but the details aren’t really too important. I’d never gone into the forest alone before and, when I stormed out of my dorm and into this thicket, I sat under this tree until the next morning. I was lucky not to be eaten by wolves, or something to that effect. I know it might sound sort of naïve, but I believed that nothing could touch me as long as I stayed put beneath this tree. And, so no other hormonally imbalanced teenager would make claims to it, I marked it with my initials. And, now we’re going to climb it.”

Catches could be quite a bitch when they wanted to be. Lily had found herself almost touched by the reminiscent childhood memory James had shared with her and then, of course, he’d had to slip in the small, minor detail that they had come to the tree to climb it. But, this was James and she had no reason _not_ to trust him. Although it wasn’t the most appealing of ideas, if he thought they could climb it, together, then that’s what they were going to do. But, first, Lily allowed her eyes to drop to the ground, landing upon something that she would need before she climbed. Bending down to retrieve it, Lily pressed her thumb against the sharp, jagged spot of the rock she’d picked up, biting her lip as she moved forward to make a mark of her own. Only a couple of inches from James’ initials, she’d added her own, looking over at him cheekily and saying quietly, “Just call me hormonally imbalanced. There’s no way I’m climbing this tree without a bit of claim, as well.”

James Potter wasn’t the only one full of surprises. And, it was in that afternoon that the two of them did manage to climb that tree. Although James was clearly better at tree climbing due to his height and strength, the two of them both helped one another through the task, not one person bringing more help than the other. It was in that afternoon that Lily realized that she wasn’t immune to trust. She could still bring herself to put that faith in another person. She had James to help her through it and, for the first time, he had her, as well.

XXX

One owl. One letter. One morning of complete and utter disarray. It was with exactly one sentence, with exactly eight words that Lily’s entire world had gone to complete and total hell. Everything that had been nearly stable, every little ounce of progress, had been thrown away with those eight words. There had been no sign-off, no signature, not even an initial. No, he knew her well enough to understand that she’d recognize that penmanship anywhere. 

_Astronomy Tower. Tonight. Don’t make me regret this._

Had Lily been thinking rationally, she’d have taken a sip of her orange juice, taken a bite of her toast, and proceeded to rip up the parchment that had been sent to her. She wouldn’t have allowed it to effect her at all. But, there was that emptiness. There was that big, gaping hole within her heart that was practically crying out for her to follow his words. Michael’s words. The very same Michael that had once left those hideous bruises upon her thin, pale arms. The very same Michael that had taken her for granted time and time again. The very same Michael who had been ‘better’ than her in all aspects of the wizarding world. And, yet, she pined for the very same Michael. She pined for someone to love her in a way that would cure the emptiness growing within her.

Throughout the entire evening, Lily was a complete and total wreck. She was a bag of nerves as she sat within the common room, waiting for curfew to hit. Somehow, she knew Michael wouldn’t be leaving his own house until it was inappropriate to do so. He wanted privacy. And, Lily had a feeling she knew _why_ he wanted that privacy. However, she was still willing to meet him. More than that, she was still willing to mend the broken pieces that was their relationship. She wanted to fix him, one step at a time. She knew he needed her, whether he chose to acknowledge that fact or not. He was just as dependent upon her as she was him. Even now, she knew that between them, there was that gaping hole, awaiting closure.

Lily felt eyes upon her, although she was too anxious to allow her eyes to part with the clock. She’d been staring at the minute-hand for what felt like ages. Forty-three minutes, actually, since she’d been keeping time. Soon, very soon, she would make her departure and, hopefully, she wouldn’t come back to bed with tears in her eyes. She had that hope, that faith, that slight memory of a time when the two of them had been happy. Lily had hoped to let go of such things, knowing that counting on Michael was as hopeless as rain in the desert. However, it was that emptiness that drove her to spring from the couch and out of the portrait hole. 

The Astronomy Tower had never felt farther away. Lily felt herself break into a run, desperate to feel those arms around her, to gaze into those cerulean eyes and feel, for the first time in ages, whole. She only hoped that Michael was the answer to what she was looking for. She only hoped that this was the right decision. But, right now, it seemed to be the only decision. As she made her way up the stone steps, her feet smacking against the cement with each move, she felt her breath catch in her throat and her body go motionless as she saw him. He was leaning against the frame of a small, rectangular window, looking just as empty as she’d been feeling. Frail was the only way to describe his current appearance. He’d certainly lost some weight, not to mention coloring. He was nearly as pale as a ghost. And, judging by the look upon his face, he was nowhere near as thrilled to see her as she was to see him. His mouth was thinned, his eyes lacking any sort of emotion, and he looked at her almost expectantly, waiting for her to snap out of the shock she seemed to have gone into.

“Michael,” Lily found herself saying quietly, clearing her throat and preparing for whatever it was that he intended to say to her. There had to be something, some sort of apology, that he’d been preparing. But, as she looked at him, she received no sense of remorse whatsoever. If anything, he just looked tired and worn. “You wanted to see me?”

Meeting her gaze, Michael seemed to finally allow himself to recognize her presence. He’d been looking at her, but it’d felt completely and entirely devoid of any true emotion. His reaction was either slow or being forced. But, Lily cleared her mind of such thoughts. She was here, he was here, and that was all that mattered. 

“I’ve missed you,” he insisted simply, moving from the window he’d been perched against and taking small, steady steps towards her. Involuntarily, Lily felt a shiver run it’s course up and down her spine. But, she remained still. She didn’t flee. She didn’t even break eye contact. He’d missed her. And, although she knew it went against everything she’d been working towards, she believed him. He looked an absolute wreck. And all because he hadn’t had her to lean on. He _did_ need her, even if he couldn’t say it. “And, now, I need you, Lily. I need you tonight. I was wrong before. The others, the other girls, they couldn’t take your place. You’re irreplaceable to me. Only you know how to take care of me. Only you know how to make everything better.”

He was reaffirming her suspicions, voicing what she’d been hoping he would. He was saying all the right things. He was charming her, once more. She was irreplaceable to him. But, there was still one thing she needed to know before she gave in. She needed to hear him say one thing - one thing he had never been too good with addressing.

“Say it, Michael,” Lily said stubbornly, as he pulled her body close to his, hugging his arms around her small frame and burying his head into her hair. He knew what she wanted to hear. He knew what it would take to seal the deal, to receive what it was he was longing for. 

“I love you, Lily,” he managed to say, lifting his head from her shoulder and catching her lips with his in a fiery embrace, setting forth an ache in her limbs for his. Longing had never been a problem for the two of them. Intimacy, however, had yet to make an appearance in their relationship. Lily felt his fingers on the buttons of her blouse, but she failed to care. He’d said it and, hopefully, now, she could relieve herself of that burden - that emptiness. She would give him all she had to rid herself of that feeling.

However, she felt herself pull away as she heard someone stumble at the doorway. Although he’d attempted to leave before either Lily or Michael had noticed him, she managed to catch a distinct glimpse of that ever-familiar unruly hair of his, not to mention the look on his face as he’d intruded upon Michael and Lily’s rekindling romance. Lily Evans had never seen James Potter look more crushed than he had on that evening. And, it was that look on his face that allowed her to pull away from Michael Crouch and follow him down those stairs, hopefully to catch him before he ascended up those stone steps to his own dormitory, shutting her out as she’d unknowingly done to him.

**A/N : I am so, so, so sorry for the long wait. I took a semi-break from fan fiction for awhile. I can’t guarantee a quick update on this, but I can say I do look forward to writing the next chapter. If you need a recap, I suggest re-reading last chapter, since it’s been so long since I’ve updated. Again, I’m sorry. On the bright side, this was nearly 4,000 words long. Hope I’ve managed to make up for lost time. But, anyways, reviews will definitely help bring about some inspiration and maybe a quicker update. Thanks, everyone!**


	9. One To Break Hearts

 

**Solace**

 

**Chapter Nine - - One To Break Hearts**

 

Lily seemed almost weightless as she ran through the corridors, attempting to chase after the only friend she’d ever had. She didn’t seem to care that it was well past curfew and that if she was found, Filch would surely crush her hopes of catching up to James. She didn’t care that detention was an extremely likely possibility should she stumble into a professor or even Peeves, who would take no hesitancy in ratting her out. She didn’t seem to hear her shoes pounding against the floor or the rustle of her shirt as she sped towards Gryffindor Tower. All that she could seem to recognize was the pounding in her ears and the heavy thump of her heart against her chest. While she knew she was running as fast as her short legs could possibly take her, she couldn’t seem to get there fast enough. James Potter’s long limbs would have surely carried him past the portrait hole before she even reached the corridor leading to the Fat Lady. Somehow, she knew he hadn’t gone to his dormitory. Somehow, she could sense that he was waiting for her. It was as if she knew that he could feel her coming. He’d caught her eye in that last, minuscule moment. They’d made contact and it had been in that split-second that Lily had realized that something was not right. She had hurt James and that was the very last thing she wanted to do. 

Reaching her destination didn’t make things any easier. Lily knew that once she entered that common room, there was no turning back. While she was rather clueless as to where James fit into her rekindling romance with Michael Crouch, she also knew that something was seriously wrong. Instinctively, she knew she had broken a heart tonight and it hadn’t simply been her own. Her relapse into a previously failed relationship hadn’t been a mere masochistic move. She had inflicted pain upon the one person who had been helping her mend for the past few months. It had been James who had seen her through all the pain and the loneliness. He had kept her sane. And, here she was repaying him by going back to the source of the problem. In that small moment they’d shared back in the Astronomy Tower, Lily had seen complete and utter failed etched upon his face, something she was not quite used to seeing expressed by the ever-confident James Potter. She needed him to know that he hadn’t failed her. If anyone had failed, it had been her. She wanted him to understand that she was the weak one, that she was the one with the problem. 

With only a slight hesitation, Lily offered the Fat Lady the password before hurrying into the common room, her hair disheveled and her face hot and red. She was a mess, but that was the very last thing on her mind as she saw a clearly angry James Potter pacing the common room, his fists clenched and his hazel eyes most presumably seeing red. Upon hearing her entrance, he glared up at her, the hurt still lingering upon his face, even through all of the anger.

“James, let me explain!” she insisted, her voice completely and utterly exasperated. She was out of breath and out of mind and simply exhausted. She allowed her hand to touch his arm for only a second’s time before he swiped it away out of pure disgust with her.

“Don’t touch me!” he roared back at her, his tone so unlike the caring, thoughtful one she had grown accustomed to hearing. He seemed at a loss for words. He had been waiting for her. Waiting to simply blow up at her. But, now, he was simply lost as to where he should begin. She could see the emotions literally trailing through him. He’d never been able to truly conceal how he felt. His eyes were far too betraying. “How could you, Lily? After all he’s done to you? Everyone knows he hit you. Everyone! The whole tower. Why do you think everyone walks on eggshells around you? No one wants to cause you anymore pain than that bastard’s already done. Have you forgotten what you used to be like when you were with him? Have you?”

Everything he said, well, it wasn’t a shock to her. She had known that the careful, almost mindful eyes of others had been upon her since her fourth year, when she’d first engaged in a relationship with Michael Crouch. She’d done her best to conceal the bruises throughout the years, to act as if the shouting never bothered her, but obviously, she hadn’t been good enough. James had always watched her. It’d used to make her uneasy, but now she knew she was simply just some source of immense pity for him. As he made mention of the life she’d led for two years, the empty shell of a person she’d been under his controlling hand, Lily couldn’t help but remember the several times she’d attempted to convince him that maybe acquiring a friend or two wouldn’t do her too much harm. She remembered the many nights she’d cry herself to sleep, having walked away from a conversation initiated by a fellow housemate. She’d been unreachable for so long. Until this year, that is. Until James had brought her out of her cage. “Yes,” she said meekly, her eyes failing to meet his. “I remember.”

“Of course you remember!” he shouted, his question having obviously been a rhetorical one. “How could you not? You’re so witty and so charming and so damn intelligent, Lily. You’re too good for him and you just don’t see it. He’s got you wrapped around his little finger, having you come-and-go as he pleases. I’m sure it’s his conscience acting up every now and again. When he’s sick of cheating on you behind your back, he just cuts you loose, only to lure you in again. You’re just so damn oblivious, Lily. To everything! To his faults. To his lies. To what’s standing right in front of you!”

His words hit her hard. Especially those last few. ‘ _To what’s standing right in front of you_.’ She looked up at him, his eyes glaring intensely into hers, waiting for something, anything, from her. While Lily had certainly seen James Potter become frustrated, perhaps even annoyed, she had never seen this side of him. He was livid. However, she wasn’t scared. Even as he raised his voice at her, she wasn’t afraid. All Michael had to really do was get a certain look in those cerulean eyes of his and she was shaking. She never felt that way with James, even as he grew more furious than she’d ever seen him before in her life. Even through this all, she felt safe. No goosebumps, no tremors, no paling – nothing. Only disappointment in herself. She’d let him down, that much was certain. “ _You’re_ right in front of me,” Lily said softly, hoping that maybe, just maybe, she could get him to understand that she knew she’d made a mistake. Even as her lips had met with Michael’s, she’d known that it was all wrong. It’d tasted so good and she’d longed for him so much, she’d wanted the cure to her loneliness, but deep down, she’d understood how terribly bad for her Michael Crouch was. He was a drug she couldn’t seem to refuse. It was an addiction. And James had been her refuge for so long.

“It may have been me who was in front of you before, Lily,” he said quietly, his eyes deeply saddened by the sight before him. “But not anymore. I’ve done more for you in these past few months – hell, these past few weeks, than he’s done for you in two years. Doesn’t that mean anything at all to you, Lily?”

“Of course it does, James,” she insisted, hoping to God he realized how completely sincere she was in saying such a thing. “You’re one of my best friends.”

“Fuck you, Lily. Fuck you. I don’t deserve this. You just don’t get it. And, maybe, you never will. He’s a prick. And you’re still as blind as ever. As for me, I’m going to bed. Hope you enjoy the rest of your evening.”

With that, he was gone. She could have sworn she saw his hazel eyes clouding over, growing watery, but perhaps it had been the anger. Something inside of her longed for him to come back down those stairs and realize that she hadn’t been lying. He was probably the best friend she’d ever had. The only friend, really. As good as she had felt earlier that night, she’d never felt so truly empty in her entire life. She’d thought losing Michael had been devastating, but somehow, it couldn’t even amount to how truly detrimental the loss of James Potter was upon her. As the saying goes, ‘You never truly know what you have until it’s gone.’ And, deep down, Lily knew that James was, indeed, gone. He was done with her. That much had been made apparent. And, honestly, she couldn’t blame him. He did deserve better. So much better.

 

**xxx**

 

Despite the fact that before meeting Michael, Lily had never been one for tears, she found the flow to come easily to her now. Having felt quite literally drained of all the energy within her body, Lily had settled upon the couch before the fire and had fallen asleep, hoping that maybe, just maybe, James would come down. She needed him to understand. She needed him to know how truly sorry she was, for whatever damage she’d inflicted upon him. It’d seemed as if she hadn’t even gotten much of a word in edgewise, but it probably wouldn’t have mattered. He’d seen enough to have his mind made up about her. 

However, she did not see James that night, nor did she see him the next morning. She did, however, feel someone shaking her awake, her eyes peeling open ever so slightly to see the rather displeased face of Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew standing behind him. While Lily had certainly had her fair share of run-ins with the Marauders, the only one she’d ever bothered to get to know was James and that was only recently. Michael had always scrutinized their behavior, making jest at their childish ways and scorning the fact that Sirius was the biggest blood-traitor to have walked the planet. So, obviously, she knew of them, but never before had she really had a conversation with them. Lily had never really been allowed to socialize and she very much doubted that any of the Marauders would welcome the chance to chat up Michael Crouch’s girlfriend. 

“Hope you’re wide awake, Evans,” Sirius said disdainfully, obviously not caring too much that she’d never received a more rough awakening in her life. “Because we’ve got to talk.”

Sitting up and rubbing her eyes, Lily inquired quietly, “What about?” although she already knew the answer to that question.

“Don’t play dumb with us, Evans,” Peter hissed, his watery eyes glaring down at her. She’d never really ever heard him speak outside of class, which made this blatant harassment on his end seem rather unexpected.

“Now, Wormtail, don’t forget your manners,” Remus said under his breath, even though he didn’t seem too fussed at the tone in which Peter had addressed her. She and Lupin had patrolled together for the past two years, side-by-side, but she still, to this day, didn’t know a damn thing about him. They had never developed a sense of closeness in all that time. He, obviously, had sided with his friends in believing her relationship with Michael to be a betrayal to the ideals of Gryffindor house. 

“Screw manners, Moony. She ought to know what she’s done,” Sirius said darkly, his handsome face looking rather menacing, so unlike the carefree, cool manner he seemed to carry around with him hour after hour. 

“Where’s James?” 

It was really the first thing she could think to ask them. It was the only thing she cared about knowing, really. She needed to speak with him. Perhaps the daylight had softened his temper. Perhaps he would listen to what she had to say. He needed to hear the true remorse in her tone and acknowledge the fact that she was so very, very sorry. 

“Funny you should ask that,” Sirius answered, seemingly taking it upon himself to speak for the group. He didn’t seem to have a problem with addressing her coldly, while both Peter and Remus opted to simply glare down at her from their standing positions. “Prongs left hours ago. Didn’t even flinch when he noticed you sprawled out on this couch here. Just trounced on out. All the better, really, since it’s about time he was done with the likes of you.”

“Black, please, you don’t know the full story - ”

“We know,” he spat darkly, looking squarely into her eyes as he said it. “We know it all. And, you know what, we probably know more than you do. From the way Prongs tells it, you don’t seem to have a damn clue. You’re so wrapped up in yourself, Evans, that you don’t seem to notice that what you do affects those around you. I know you don’t have a lot of friends and, wow, it’s a wonder, considering who you’ve called your significant other for the past two years, but that doesn’t mean that no one cares about you in this castle. Don’t get me wrong, Evans. I could care less about you and whether or not you’re screwing Crouch in the sodding Astronomy Tower. But, James cares. And when you hurt my best friend, you hurt me. You offend one Marauder, you offend us all.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt him,” Lily insisted quickly, knowing that she could very well be cut-off at any moment should she not spit the words out as quickly as humanly possible. “I care about James, too. More than you guys could understand.”

“Are you in love with him, Evans?” Lupin asked softly, eyeing her closely. It was obvious that the three boys standing before her obviously had reason to be so overprotective of James. “Because, I highly doubt you are if you’re off snogging Crouch. Sirius was right. We understand more than you do. He’s in love with you. Madly, hopelessly, deeply. And you’re too blind to even notice that every word, every gesture, was done out of true affection for you. He’s always cared about you, Lily. He used to rant over how cruel Crouch was to you. But, now that he’s been given the chance to get you know you, he’s completely gone. He was so patient with you, more than he’s ever been. For months, all he’s been talking about is helping you discover who you really are. He’s been trying to get you to realize how incredibly loveable you are and that you deserve better than Crouch. And even if some of us can’t really agree with him, we do understand that his feelings are real.”

“Honestly, Moony, why don’t you just confide everything in her, why don’t you?” Sirius shot out, throwing Lupin a glare that fully said, ‘This isn’t why we’re here.’

“I’m trying to help her understand what she’s done, Padfoot,” Remus insisted calmly, obviously used to Black’s short temper. “She doesn’t know the whole story.”

“And it’s not our job to fill her in,” Sirius reminded his friend. “We’re here to warn you, Evans. Stay the fuck away from our friend. We mean it. He doesn’t need to be hurt by you anymore than he already has been.”

With that, Sirius stood from where he’d sat on the couch and strode out of the common room, Lupin and Pettigrew following him, most likely to find Potter and console him. As if she hadn’t felt like complete shit before, she quite possibly felt even worst. 

 

**xxx**

 

Lily knew what she had to do, but actually doing it scared the living hell out of her. She’d never really been able to stand up to Michael Crouch. He’d always had a sort of power over her. One glare and she was a wreck. He had her at his fingertips. Breaking away from that now seemed impossible. He’d lured her back in, so strongly, and now she had to sever ties with him once more. The entire morning, James Potter had ignored her very existence. He hadn’t looked at her, he hadn’t talked to her, he hadn’t smiled at her. She never really knew how much she relied upon him to keep her day bright and occupied until he was gone. The Marauders took every opportunity available to shoot dirty looks at her, primarily Sirius. She could fully understand why they were mad at her.

James Potter loved her. That was something. Mind-blowingly shocking to her. Everything he’d said, everything he’d ever said, made perfect sense to her. He’d been the one to come to her defense when he’d seen Michael blatantly manhandling her. He’d been the one to shoot off green fireworks off for her at Halloween, despite the fact that they were traditionally orange, gold, and red. He’d been the one to help her understand where it was Michael was coming from and why he’d been acting so strangely. He’d been the one dragging her down into a snow bank, making snow angels with her even when he’d declared that snow angels were a threat to his masculinity. He’d been the one to listen to her endless rants against Michael and as she’d voiced her insecurities and thoughts and feelings. He’d been the one to sit with her by the lake and reminisce over where life had taken them since the year before. He’d been the one to show her his secret spot in the Forbidden Forest and climb a tree like a careless seven year-old child alongside her. He’d been the one to change, the one who had demonstrated the utmost patience in her. He’d been the one to save her. And, in a matter of moments, she’d let it all come crashing down before her.

He really did love her. And, now, she understood it. She hadn’t seen it before. Sirius had been right. She’d been too selfish and too afraid and just too damn oblivious. Now, it was her turn to give back a little. Even if she knew he wouldn’t give her the time of day. Not this year, maybe not even the next.

During dinner, Lily had walked slowly over to the Slytherin table, where several sets of eyes were glued upon her. Sitting down beside Michael, she whispered in his ear, “We need to talk,” and took his hand, leading him out of the Great Hall. Smirking, he cast a knowing glance to his fellow housemates, a smug look about him, as if he were about to get lucky. Whether he truly believed such to be true or he was just putting on an act before the others, Lily couldn’t say. But, he couldn’t have been anymore wrong.

Lily could have easily led him to some secluded area where they could privately discuss the matter, but she didn’t have the courage to do such a thing so far away from help. She knew that this wasn’t going to end well for her. His temperament had never been able to handle the word, ‘No.’ Almost immediately upon striding out of the Great Hall, she felt her back being pressed against a cold wall and his lips were on her neck, his hands traveling everywhere and anywhere they could. 

“I knew you’d want to finished what we’d started last night,” he moaned, his fingers having found her buttons once more.

However, this time, she wasn’t going to give in. She was going to stay strong. For James and, more importantly, for herself. “No. That’s not why I brought you out here,” she insisted, shoving him off of her with all of her might. It worked.

“What the fuck, Lily?” Michael growled, honestly confused by the situation. He obviously hadn’t seen who she’d been chasing after last night. He had just thought she’d bailed. And her eagerness to ‘speak’ with him had been completely misconstrued. 

“This, whatever you think we have left between us, is over. End of story. No more owls my way, no more secret rendezvous in the Astronomy Tower. Nothing. From this point on, we’re finished. You ended it before and, you know what? I think you had the right idea. I’m done with being your little rag doll. You’ve had too much power over me for so long, Michael, that it’s gotten to the point where I don’t know who I am anymore.”

“This is about him, isn’t it? This is about Potter. You’re screwing him, aren’t you? Aren’t you, you little whore?”

And, before she could respond, having only said, “No, it’s about you,” she felt it. She felt the blow of his fist to her skin, the feeling of cold blood rushing down the corner of her eye, which he’d split with that one single blow. Attempting to get away, but stumbling as her vision was blackening ever so slightly, she felt his hands on her arms, gripping into them, bruising them with that first touch. 

“You think you can pull something like this over on me, you filthy, dirty mudblood? No one, and I mean, no one cheats on me and gets away with it. I hope Potter likes them dead because that’s all you’ll be once I’m through with you.”

And, once more, she was weak. She was powerless. She was incapable. She was going to die at the hands of her boyfriend, just as she was beginning to feel so strong once more. Just as that part of her James had brought out was emerging through, she was back to being that same helpless girl she’d been for the past two years. But, so suddenly, his grip softened and she was released. As Michael fell to the ground, Lily looked up and saw James Potter, his wand outstretched, Professor McGonagall following shortly behind him. 

Not particularly caring about what situation she’d just been in, Lily said softly, “James.” He’d saved her again. And she didn’t deserve it. However, he didn’t return the words with any sort of endearing response. He simply stood there, looking down at Michael Crouch with immense disgust plastered upon his face, as blatant as the light of day.

“Potter, take her to Pomfrey to get cleaned up. Assure her that this will be dealt with immediately and that an expulsion is most likely in this young man’s cards. He won’t be harming her anymore. You got that, Potter?” McGonagall asked, levitating Crouch, her eyes narrowed as Professor Slughorn and Professor Dumbledore emerged from the Great Hall, all off to the Headmaster’s office to finalize the arrangements to be made.

Walking towards her silently, James put his arm around her shoulders and led her to the Hospital Wing. No words were passed between them. The only sound that could be heard was the sniffling of her nose as the tears flowed heavily. She couldn’t think of anything she could say that would fully express how truly thankful she was to have someone like him in her life. However, when they reached Poppy, he left almost immediately, leaving her to explain how she’d received the cuts and bruises. 

Just as before, he was gone. He may have saved her, but some things hadn’t quite changed.

 

**xxx**

 

Madam Pomfrey had insisted that Lily spend the evening in the Hospital Wing, but Lily had refused. She’d snuck out of her bed that evening and headed towards Gryffindor Tower. It was extremely late, but she knew one person who would still be awake. She knew that someone would be waiting up, wondering if she’d return. It was that one person who she wanted to speak with more than ever before. Despite the warnings the Marauders had set against her, despite all that she’d been through, all that she could fully focus on was James Potter.

And, surely enough, as she entered the common room, there he was, sitting by the window and gazing out of it. He’d known she’d come back. He’d known they’d have to meet one another face-to-face for the second time that evening. It’d only been twenty-four hours, but Lily felt as if she’d been separated from him for days. However, as she walked over to him, all that she’d been planning on saying to him, all that she’d wanted to share with him, rushed out of her. 

She didn’t deserve to have her piece with him. She didn’t deserve to try and justify her behavior. She didn’t deserve to have him back as her friend, maybe even more someday. She’d treated him awfully and that was all there was to it. She couldn’t just expect him to forgive and forget. It wasn’t right. Even after he’d saved her, even after everything, she couldn’t just expect anything from him. It wasn’t fair. He’d wasted so much of his time and energy on her before that she knew that to ask him for more was cruel. For the first time, Lily was thinking selflessly. She didn’t want to cause him any more pain than he was already in. She may have been the battered and bruised one, but James Potter was carrying around the same wounds. Every blow Michael dealt, he suffered. Every tear that fell from her cheek, he suffered. She’d inflicted pure agony upon the poor guy and, still, somehow, he’d still found it in his heart to save her life.

He’d tried so hard to ignore her presence, to pretend as if she wasn’t there, but when she was within inches of him, he turned, a sad look in his eyes, and met her gaze. Without putting much thought into it at all, Lily leaned in and kissed the corner of his mouth, knowing that only days ago, he’d have probably readily returned such a gesture. Now, however, she’d missed her chance. He loved her. He still loved her. But, he didn’t trust her. She understood this without any sort of words escaping his lips. “How can you love me, James Potter? How? After everything I’ve put you through? How can you find it in your heart to keep on caring?”

And, to her immense surprise, he spoke. “Unlike you, Lily, I can’t just force myself to fall in and out of love with someone. It doesn’t work that way.” Shaking his head of unruly hair, he walked past her, heading up to his dormitory and leaving her, for the second consecutive night, cold and alone. 

****Author’s Note : I am so, so, so sorry. It’s been ages. I have not given up completely. I do want to finish this story. It’s my baby. I hope I sort of redeemed myself. This chapter just came to me. It’s 4 AM and I haven’t checked it, so I’m sorry for any grammatical errors or typos on my part. I hope you enjoy!** **

****P.S. Wasn’t Deathly Hallows amazing?!?** **


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